He uses pillows to masturbate.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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