Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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