Im at strip club and am horny
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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