From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
