A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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