u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
