If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
