Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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