Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
