Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
