I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
