the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
