He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
