he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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