I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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