hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
