6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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