Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
