Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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