So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
