my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
