you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
