He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
