I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
