But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
