This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
