***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
