so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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