he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
