Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
