how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm getting married
To pizza
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
