....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
