Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
