and you said cock pushups were impossible
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
