I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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