I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
