I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
