You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
this hospital has no fireball
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
