I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
