btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
