Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
