I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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