i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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