hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
