spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
