So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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