im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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