Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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