I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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