Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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