I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
