I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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